this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
