I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
