So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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