I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
