the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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