come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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