So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I will pee on everything he values.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
