I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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