Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
