i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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