Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
