I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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