and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He shit in the fireplace
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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