If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
