My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Damn victory sex feels great
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
