i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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