Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
