I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
