My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
