I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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