so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
