the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
