I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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