hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
