I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
