You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Found your dick twin last night
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
