Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
