dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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