genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
