I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
