you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
