farters have to be the big spoon...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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