You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
