How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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