god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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