In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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