So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
