just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize