I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
