i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Success! We fucked roommates!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
