guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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