I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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