dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
