I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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