so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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