remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
