OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
