whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He shit in the fireplace
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
