I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
