so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
