when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
