I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
