I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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