I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
