Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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